To start off, I find that your sentences in the introduction do not flow smoothly. Maybe you would like to alter the sentence structure such as reducing the number of example you gave in the first sentence and also the choice of words in the following two sentences. In addition, I think that you should add in a brief explanation on how the injection of sulfur particles into the stratosphere can help to combat climate change in your introduction. Besides that, I believe the injection of sulfur particles is a geoengineering technique instead of bioengineering.
Are the terms “stratosphere modification scheme” and “albedo scheme” refers to the same thing? If it is, I think you should just use one of it as it might be confusing for those who are not knowledgeable in this field. Since in your introduction, you mentioned the keywords “sulfur injection” and “stratosphere’, it will be more appropriate if you use the term stratosphere modification scheme. However, I feel that the examples you gave does support your arguments well.
Overall, I think that your essay is coherent and well organized. You made good use of transition words throughout the essay. However, there is error with your reference list alignment. You may want to refer to http://www.lib.nus.edu.sg/lion/s/citeapa.html for some examples. By the way, do not forget to use 1.5 line spacing as mentioned in the EG1471 style sheet. I hope that with my review is helpful to provide you some guideline to improve your essay. Anyway, good effort!
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ReplyDeleteThanks for your constructive comments. Yes, I agree that the introduction needs to be improved. Also, an explanation on how injection of sulphur particles into the stratosphere can help to combat climate change should be included that the reader will have a clearer view of what this stratosphere modification scheme is all about.
Regarding the two terms “stratosphere modification scheme” and “albedo scheme”, they does refer to the same thing. I also agree that it would be more appropriate to use only one term in the essay for not to confuse the reader.
Besides, thanks for the web link that you have provided. After referring to the examples of APA citation, I have corrected the errors and one of the proper examples is shown below:
Crutzen, P.J. (2006). Albedo Enhancement By Stratosphere Sulfur Injection: A Contribution To Resolve A Policy Dilemma? Climate Change. Retrieved from http://www.cogci.dk/news/Crutzen_albedo%20enhancement_sulfur%20injections.pdf
On the other hand, I also realised that this essay lack of argumentative language. A proper argumentative essay should make use of argumentative language to bring out the opposing argument. For instance, in Paragraph #3, the opposing argument could be written as – “Although it may be argued that the sulphur particle in stratosphere could effectively reflect the solar radiation and cool the earth in the faster rate, however…”. In this case, the contents will have a better flow within the paragraph.
Lastly, thanks for your remind of proper font format and your comments are very much appreciated.